That is the question I ask myself every single time I even think about this guy. I don’t understand. We went out on 2 dates. Yes, 2 mother fucking dates… and I haven’t talked to him in 8 months. Yet somehow I’m still not over this. I act so unbelievably crazy when it comes to him and it makes no sense. Maybe it’s because I’m not good with rejection? I don’t know. Regardless of why I act crazy, I need to stop.
This is getting really ridiculous. It’s been 8 months and I’m constantly having to tell myself “Get over it already!” There are so many other things in life I could (and should, probably) be worrying about, but I’m constantly worrying over him.
I don’t know. I really just need to let it go. I somehow had it in my head that maybe, just maybe, he would come back and realize he made a mistake. Silly, I know. That won’t happen, though. I just need to fully realize that if someone wants to be in your life, then they will. It really is that simple. Funny how I know this stuff and I type it here, yet I can’t seem to get it through my head. Ugh.
I sit in these classes for Business Management every single day and I hate it. I know it’s not the classes that you’ll like. It’s about the career. But when I think about it, will I truly like being a manager? I don’t know if that is what I want to do with my life. I mean really, how happy will I be being a fucking manager of a department store or some shit like that? Not very.
The thing is, the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was work in entertainment. Work at a television network, professionally blog for an entertainment magazine, produce, or hell, even act. It is the only thing that I know. I can’t tell you much about academic school work, but I can tell you exactly what is going on in Hollywood. My area is more television than anything else. I’d love to be apart of it. What aspect, I don’t know. I just know it’s what I want to do.
I just get so aggravated because I hate school and what I am going for. Management is a very broad subject and I could get a job in numerous areas, but… I don’t know. I just don’t want to be here (in Warner Robins) going to school for something I don’t like nor am I passionate about. I’d much rather be in Los Angeles.
I don’t know what I am doing. Ugh.
I still think about you… and I don’t know why. Things didn’t end well and I hate that. Truth be told, I acted ridiculous and crazy. Why? Well, that’s simple: Because it was all so new to me. I have never really dated before and I have never had a crush like that. It was new to me… feeling like that. It was new to me to have someone say and do things like you did. It was new to me to experience the things I did. I was so caught up in the moment that I said things that probably made me seem crazy and I did things that definitely 100% made me seem crazy. I just keep thinking, what if I didn’t act like that? Would he still be around?
Or… was I just making it all out to be way more than it actually was? Was I just being naive? I don’t know. All I know is that I think about you. Not all the time… but sometimes. I talk to other guys, but you are in the back of mind for whatever reason.
I wish it would stop. Simply because I know he doesn’t think about me. With the way things ended, he probably thinks I’m legit crazy. Oh well. This is honestly so stupid. Why the hell do I keep thinking about him?
I just want to cuddle with somebody. I don’t think that is too much to ask. That feeling you get when someone is just holding you so tightly is absolutely amazing. The short kisses on your neck, the soft touches. I love it all. That is the only bad part about being single: You don’t have somebody to cuddle with every night. Oh well. Maybe sometime soon.